on reinventing love...

I've been pretty lax about reading the Kabbalah daily tune-ups for the last couple of months, as I've let work eat up too much of my energy and focus. The good news is that all of that energy ultimately got channeled to my realizing I had to get the fuck out of dodge. My last day is Friday. Best "job-job" I've ever had, but time's change, as do organizations, and sometimes not for the better. I don't know exactly what's next, but I'm really excited about moving in a new direction. I'm ready.

What is the purpose of your relationships? Besides fulfilling you and helping you correct your soul, how is the world benefiting?

Relationships can be eternal if we create things with our friends and loved ones. Maybe it's starting a neighborhood project or organizing a fund drive or writing a book. It's the most satisfying thing to work on something with other people, especially if it's something spiritual.

Today, focus on your most important relationship and brainstorm with that person about ways in which the world can benefit from your unique connection.

-Yehuda Berg

whenever i was in need of a friend

i'm really glad we've found the space 2 reconnect.

strange but true

U may have lost me, but i found myself
the ones who love me without condition - this is my wealth
and with these words i will win
repeat them over and over again
all understand and all stand under this affirmation now:
By the power invested in me by God
all negativity bows
all negativity bows
all negativity bows
strange but true, let's see what U can do

now i know what i mean

today, on the 12-minute drive to Dr. Everything'll Be Alright's office, 2 of songs my ipod played -- out of the 362 it could have chosen -- were Both Sides Now -- first, Joni's orchestral version, then Dolly Parton's bluegrass version. i skipped both cuz i wasn't in the mood and ended up listening to "Family Affair/Keep it Together" from Madonna's Blond Ambition tour.

in session, as we're breaking down the week and the unexpected unexpectedness that crept up, guess what he told me, guess what he told me, "don't give yourself away." my jukebox memory rang loud and clear - word for word, the Dr. gave me a line straight outta Both Sides Now. but the "don't give yourself away" that i was advised is nearly the opposite of the intention of the song. the song is saying to keep yourself hidden and protected, with the lead-in "if u care, don't let them know." well, that's how i've approached too many relationships for too long. no more. now, the "don't give yourself away" is about empowerment, standing up for myself, and expressing what i want, what i need. (omg... laughing at myself and how obvious my language makes it that i'm in therapy!)

and already, just a short spell into this exercise of claiming my voice, i've already seen what Joni talks about in a subsequent verse:

but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well somethings lost, but somethings gained
in living evry day

yep, that charge has been leveled at me by two people who know me well (knew me?) changing from a voice of constant agreement to one of independence is definitely jarring to those who aren't used to it. it's a heady balance to find, especially trying to maintain kabbalistic values of how to live and treat people. i'm testing the waters, and sometimes i do better than others, but i feel like i'm still moving in the right direction.

rows and floes of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons evrywhere
i've looked at clouds that way

but now they only block the sun
they rain and snow on evryone
so many things i would have done
but clouds got in my way
i've looked at clouds from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions i recall
i really don't know clouds at all

moons and junes and ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way u feel
as evry fairy tale comes real
i've looked at love that way

but now it's just another show
u leave em laughing when u go
and if u care, don't let them know
don't give yourself away

i've looked at love from both sides now
from give and take, and still somehow
it's loves illusions i recall
i really don't know love at all

tears and fears and feeling proud
to say i love u right out loud
dreams and schemes and circus crowds
i've looked at life that way

but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well somethings lost, but somethings gained
in living evry day

i've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose and still somehow
it's lifes illusions I recall
i really don't know life at all
i've looked at life from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all

by joni mitchell

p.s. S picked me up from work this night. i shoved my ipod into my pocket when i got into the car. when we got home, she and J left for dinner and i waited for tdub to pick me up for our dinner plans. i started doing the dishes while i waited. alone in the house, i heard the faint sound of a radio left on. i looked into the living room to see if it was J's computer and realized it was coming from my own pocket. and yes, it was my ipod which had once again shuffled itself directly to Both Sides Now.

how'd i get so serious?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Why was I born?
What's the meaning of my life?
Why am I me?

When we are kids, we often think about these things. But as life comes faster and harder, we tend to put these questions aside in order to deal with the important matters of life. Who has time for such navel gazing?

Then one day, tragedy strikes or we look in the mirror and see our grandfather staring back at us and we wonder, "What did I live for? Where did my life go? What good did I do?"

Let's not wait until it's too late to change our fate. Let today be the day we resume asking the questions worth asking. If we are already asking them, then let's ask louder.

Why was I born?
What's the meaning of my life?
Why am I me?

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16

There is a peak experience of life we are all seeking, a state of flow where all things just make sense and feel right. We reach this state by thinking about others first and creating an opening for the endless Light - the source of all good - to enter.

But when we think only of ourselves, we put a stop to this flow.

Today, make a list – a written list – of five people whom you care about. Put it in your pocket, tape it to your computer, tack it to the fridge – keep it close. Every time you find yourself obsessing about yourself, look at the list, and think about one of those people. Send them energy, meaning, picture them surrounded by Light, receiving the health and wisdom they deserve. Consider this your connection to the endless Light.

all that glitters ain't gold

omg... too funny. not really taking a swipe at that book, just reminding us we don't have to be millionaires who can leisurely travel the world to find peace and/or make a difference. good reminder.

FEBRUARY 15, 2008

There is a story about a woman who decides she wants to find God. She gives up her worldly possessions, flies to India, climbs the highest mountain, and sets about praying and meditating. She calls out to God, "Where are you?!" and God answers, "I'm down here with the people!"

We don't all have to take a vow of poverty and live in an ashram to connect to our Creator. We need only to connect to others to find what we're looking for.

Today, devote yourself to three people. Find it in your heart to make them feel better, to meet their needs, and to motivate them to become more involved in their lives.

objects in the mirror...

Yehuda Berg's Daily Kabbalah Tune-up

FEBRUARY 14, 2008

Whether you are celebrating this Valentine's Day with that special someone, or you are still searching, I'd like to share a golden secret that will always steer you in the Light direction:

A relationship acts as a mirror in which you can – if you choose to look at your reflection honestly – see negativity and move to correct it. Only with this spiritual foundation can you build a fulfilling and lasting love

-- God Wears Lipstick, Karen Berg

does it make a difference?

i'm looking at life and choices i've made. and imminent choices that i may or may not need to make. what seemed so clear only days ago now is riddled with uncertainty. fortunately, uncertainty is not synonymous with confusion. i maintain a sense of confidence in myself and in the forward motion of what is to be.

was it all worth it and how did I earn it
nobody's perfect
i guess i deserve it

how high are the stakes, how much fortune can u make
does this get any better?
should i carry on, will it matter when i'm gone
will any of this matter

i took it
just about everything
except my own advice

was it all worth it and how did i earn it
nobody's perfect
i guess i deserve it

(nothing lasts forever)
(does it make a difference)

how high
does it make a difference?
nothing lasts forever
should I
will it matter when i'm gone
will any of this matter

why's it so hard 2 love one another

my mini vacation kept me away from posting about a whole shitload of wonderful events over the last few days. i'm still exhausted and starstruck, loving life and appreciating where i am, who i am, and who surrounds me. after i catch up on some sleep, i'll fill u all in on the details, but for now, here's some Kabbalah tune-ups courtesy of Yehuda Berg. find some inspiration and spread some Love and Light.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Sometimes it seems that when you read a Kabbalah book, or listen to a lecture, the same things are repeated. On Pesach we talk about removing the ego, on Chanukah we talk about tapping into miracles, on Shabbat Pinchas we talk about healing. But something I realized is that it’s not the wisdom that stays the same, it’s us who stay the same. The ticket to the technology is change.

When we transform, we can hear the same exact thing we heard a month, a year, a decade ago but it will sound different, and resonate deeper. But when we get stuck in ruts, patterns, and complacency, our learning stays stuck as well. What is the difference between humans and animals? Animals do the same thing day after day after day. But we have a choice.

Today, break up & shake up your routines. If you always start the day with coffee, then start with tea. If you always take the same route to work, then take a different path. If you flop in front of the TV when you get home, then open a book, or better yet, go for a walk. Get in the habit of mixing it up and changing yourself. The wisdom will change accordingly.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Why is it so hard to say I love you? I don't mean to a lover, but to a friend, a teacher, a parent. Why are these four little letters so difficult to spit out of our mouths?

What a wonderful gift to give someone. Think about how good it feels when people say it to you. I love you. Sometimes when you have strife with family, or beef with a friend, saying I love you is all you need to do to take away the darkness that has settled in like a fog. We fight and argue and analyze when usually, I love you will do the trick.

Who do you love and cherish, yet are afraid tell how you feel? Take a risk today. Open your heart, open your mouth, and say it. Just say it. I LOVE YOU!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10

People who help us along the way are channels for the Light. If we forget them, then we are cutting off our connection to the source of all that is good in our life. Even if it was 20 years ago, it's important to remember the people who saved our butts way back when.

Today, go back to a difficult time in your life. Who reached out to you when everyone else fled? Is that person still in your life? Do you still remember what they did for you? Appreciation. That's the key.

2night i'm a movie star.

it's a little bit freaky, by wayyyyyyyy synchronous that this mornng i awoke to the following Kabbalah daily tune-up. um, it kinda says exactly what i wrote in my post last night!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9

Kabbalists have long known that our thoughts shape what we perceive as reality every bit as much as reality shapes our thoughts. We are more than mere observers of reality – we are creators.

It is we who produce and direct our own movie – the same movie in which we ourselves are the stars.

What movie are you creating? Love story? Comedy? Horror?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8

Not everyone who has the knowledge of Kabbalah understands it. If you've taken classes at the Centre, online, or have read the Power of Kabbalah, one of the first things you learned is to be proactive. On a certain level, that's all you need to know – it's the essence of Kabbalah. So, are you proactive 100% of the time? 50%? 5%? How many other teachings do you know, but don't really know?

Information doesn't make us spiritual. We have to act on it. When someone asks us for help, are we quick to say yes...or no? When a difficult person shows up in our life, do we embrace him/her as someone sent to teach us something, or as another pain in-the-you-know-what?

Today, think about a teaching that resonates with you. Ask yourself if you are living it. If you are not (or not as much as you can), that's OK. Recognition is a giant first step.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7

God is in you. God is in me. God is everyone.

Imagine what a difference it would make if we always kept that in mind. We'd be less inclined to give the business to the waiter for messing up our order, or telling someone off who hurt our feelings. We may justify our actions – for example, by pointing out someone's faults – but in those moments of "losing it" on someone, we are the ones who lose.

Today, see the God in everyone.

if we took a holiday

Muse and CarrieMPLS picked me up at work thursday afternoon as the beginning of my break. 2day was all about soaking up the sun and catching up on our lives. between my visit with them and yesterday's session with Dr. Everything'll Be Alright, i am realizing how much i am not the same person i used to be. i am reinventing my life n a positive, proactive direction and seeing the fruits of those labors. when my life broke down in june and i didn't like the answer to fix it, i made a promise 2 myself that going forward, nothing would be the same. i wasn't going to play by the same rules and continue 2 watch my life happen 2 me. and while it took some time to get that process underway and integrated into the day-to-day, i have done it. and as different as i am today, i know i am just getting started. i am awake and alive. and i fucking love it!!! watch out world, i been waiting and i am loose!

life isn't about finding yourself. life is about creating yourself.

kabbalah katch-up

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4

Rav Ashlag taught that being around people with bigger desires for growth, transformation and Light helps us to reach beyond our own limited desires.

Today is the perfect day to look at the types of people you surround yourself with. Are they helping your growth? Or hindering it? What actions can you take to surround yourself with positive, spiritual people?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3

The Zohar teaches there are three ways to learn our lessons in life:

Concealed – the voice within awakens us (least painful)
Friends – a friend awakens us (moderately painful)
Revealed – an external situation awakens us (most painful)

When a person is not hearing the warning voice from within, it is the responsibility of a friend to positively confront them with love. This prevents the other person from having to learn the lesson in a more painful manner.

In real relationships in our life we need to be able to awaken others - from a place of caring – and we need to be able to withstand it when they awaken us.

Focus on one of your close relationships today and find one area where the person needs awakening. The question to ask before saying a single word is:

“do I really want the other person to grow…or is this area just bothering me?”

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2

A great kabbalist once asked his students, "Where does God live?" They quickly answered, "God lives everywhere." But he would not accept their answer. He taught them, "God lives wherever man lets him in."

The Light created you so it could share with you. In other words, you are loved. All you need to do is open your heart, think about others, and do the uncomfortable. That's not too much to ask, is it? I know, I know, easier said than done.

Today, give out some love – and let the Light in.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1

Sarcasm, jitters, cigarettes, drugs, candy, tantrums, silent-treatment, yawning, yelling, obsessing, cheating – these are some of the wonderful ways we run from our pain.

As I wrote recently, the only to get to heaven is to go through hell. It means continuing to disengage from the delusion of the ego by facing the pain head on – whatever your pain may be. It's the only way to find reality underneath.

In what way are you hiding from reality?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31

All giving is not good. Consider this statement from the Rav:

"We must investigate our motivations for sharing. For example, you want to give to your child, but you might want to do so for your own sake rather than hers. So you smother her with goodness. It's true that you are sharing your energy, but you are potentially destroying the child. Even though you are sharing something good, giving can have a bad side if there is an exaggerated discharge of energy.

Occasionally my ego may tell me that if I give to someone I will be able to control that person, and this becomes the solitary reason for giving. Then the person becomes dependent upon me. True sharing must be balanced."

Answer these questions today:

Is my sharing balanced?

With whom am I sharing selfishly?