now i know what i mean

today, on the 12-minute drive to Dr. Everything'll Be Alright's office, 2 of songs my ipod played -- out of the 362 it could have chosen -- were Both Sides Now -- first, Joni's orchestral version, then Dolly Parton's bluegrass version. i skipped both cuz i wasn't in the mood and ended up listening to "Family Affair/Keep it Together" from Madonna's Blond Ambition tour.

in session, as we're breaking down the week and the unexpected unexpectedness that crept up, guess what he told me, guess what he told me, "don't give yourself away." my jukebox memory rang loud and clear - word for word, the Dr. gave me a line straight outta Both Sides Now. but the "don't give yourself away" that i was advised is nearly the opposite of the intention of the song. the song is saying to keep yourself hidden and protected, with the lead-in "if u care, don't let them know." well, that's how i've approached too many relationships for too long. no more. now, the "don't give yourself away" is about empowerment, standing up for myself, and expressing what i want, what i need. (omg... laughing at myself and how obvious my language makes it that i'm in therapy!)

and already, just a short spell into this exercise of claiming my voice, i've already seen what Joni talks about in a subsequent verse:

but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well somethings lost, but somethings gained
in living evry day

yep, that charge has been leveled at me by two people who know me well (knew me?) changing from a voice of constant agreement to one of independence is definitely jarring to those who aren't used to it. it's a heady balance to find, especially trying to maintain kabbalistic values of how to live and treat people. i'm testing the waters, and sometimes i do better than others, but i feel like i'm still moving in the right direction.

rows and floes of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons evrywhere
i've looked at clouds that way

but now they only block the sun
they rain and snow on evryone
so many things i would have done
but clouds got in my way
i've looked at clouds from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions i recall
i really don't know clouds at all

moons and junes and ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way u feel
as evry fairy tale comes real
i've looked at love that way

but now it's just another show
u leave em laughing when u go
and if u care, don't let them know
don't give yourself away

i've looked at love from both sides now
from give and take, and still somehow
it's loves illusions i recall
i really don't know love at all

tears and fears and feeling proud
to say i love u right out loud
dreams and schemes and circus crowds
i've looked at life that way

but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well somethings lost, but somethings gained
in living evry day

i've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose and still somehow
it's lifes illusions I recall
i really don't know life at all
i've looked at life from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all

by joni mitchell

p.s. S picked me up from work this night. i shoved my ipod into my pocket when i got into the car. when we got home, she and J left for dinner and i waited for tdub to pick me up for our dinner plans. i started doing the dishes while i waited. alone in the house, i heard the faint sound of a radio left on. i looked into the living room to see if it was J's computer and realized it was coming from my own pocket. and yes, it was my ipod which had once again shuffled itself directly to Both Sides Now.